Naledi-His love By Dadu Busani-Dube , Chapter 6

Baby I‘ll fix this, I‘m going to fix it I promise,‖
He‘s been saying this all night.
“How Chawe? How are you going to fix it? Did you see the look on his face? He
was hurt Chawe, I disrespected him. After everything he‘s done for me, I
humiliated him in front of people who respect him,‖
I‘ve been crying and stopping and crying……
I should call my dad and apologise…no, it‘s after midnight and he‘s surely
still very angry.
“Don‘t touch me!!!‖
He steps back and raises his hands.
All he‘s done is bring me problems! From the first time I saw him, all he
did was create problems for me!
First it was my best friend, and now my father. Why do I have to lose so
much to be with him? Why does he make me do all these things? It‘s like I‘m
not myself anymore, I‘ve turned into some person I don‘t recognise.
He‘s sitting on the bed, quietly.
I snatch the car keys from the TV stand and rush to the door.
141
He follows, where‘s he going?
“I‘m going to get some air Chawe, I just need some air,‖ I scream.
“I‘m not letting you go out alone, I‘ll take you to wherever that air
you‘re looking for is,‖ he says.
He doesn‘t understand how bad he fucked up, does he?
“No, I need to get away from you! I need you to leave me alone Chawe! Let
me breathe! You‘re suffocating me!‖ I scream
“Naledi,‖ he says, softly.
“This is all your fault. If you used your brain instead of behaving like a little
spoiled child all the time we wouldn‘t be here! None of this would have
happened! I don‘t even know why I‘m still with you!‖ I scream before I
slam the door to his face.
I wish I never met him!
How do I start this bloody car?
And where am I going? I‘m driving the opposite direction to home.
I stop at the first petrol garage I see. I haven‘t done this in a week. I started
by cutting down to a few a days when he wasn‘t around and now I‘ve
managed to finish a week without doing it at all.
“I need a packet of Kent Menthol please, and a gas
lighter,‖ “And some Stimorol,‖ I say.
I know this cashier from somewhere. I know by the way he‘s looking at me
that he knows me too. He‘s probably from my village.
Outside I find petrol attendants all around this car I‘m driving, admiring it. I
want to burn it down.
I start the car with my cigarette already lit. I hope it won‘t rain on me like his
house did.
I still don‘t know where I‘m going but I‘m just gonna drive.
142
My heart sinks when I think about what my dad could be going through right
now. I literally chose a man I met a month ago over him. A man who walked
in his house and disrespected him in the worst possible way. I should have
just sat down and told Qhawe to leave, that would have been the right and
respectful thing to do, not that stupid nonsense I did. I don‘t know what
happened to me, seeing him standing there, something just took over me.
Even if my sister had not told me to go I know I would have still gone with
him. I made the decision the moment I saw him standing there that I was
going to leave that house with him.
I wonder what those people are thinking. I may not care about them but my
father‘s reputation is very important. He can‘t be viewed as someone who
can‘t control and command respect from his own children. If he can‘t do that
how is he going to lead his people?
I screwed up, I really did. I wish I could call Tsietsi, he‘d know how to make
me feel better. I know he‘d start by telling me the brutal truth but after that
he‘d help me find a solution.
I‘m thinking that maybe I should make this up to my dad by moving back here
and starting a practice this side. That‘s what he‘s always wanted me to do. It
would make him happy. He‘ll forgive me if I do that. I could live with him, he‘s
growing old alone.
We‘ve never really asked him why he never found himself a woman. It was
understandable when we were still young but after we all left home it didn‘t
make sense at all. Maybe if he did have someone he would find it easier to
let go. But with me, being the youngest, I don‘t think he‘ll ever let go.
I‘m in Zeerust. Why?
I‘ve been driving for almost an hour and a half. Qhawe hasn‘t called at all.
I don‘t want to think about him. He was right that night when he said my
life was about to get complicated. I‘m beginning to think he‘s complicating it
on purpose. Why can‘t he just be a normal man? Behave like normal men
who ignore and lie to you instead of suffocating you by loving you too much?
That‘s what he does, he loves too much and screws up while at it.
His explanation was that when he saw Letswalo outside talking on the phone
he panicked!
143
When I asked him why he just looked at me, he didn‘t even have a
bloody reason!
Does he think I‘m that easy that I‘d run off with the first man who shows
interest in me? What did he think? That I was now going to take Letswalo
to my bedroom and sleep with him?
And how can he be so insecure? He has everything a woman can ever
want from a man, money, good looks, good sex, charm…..everything
except a normal working brain.
I‘m so mad at him right now! I‘m so mad!
It‘s my sister. At this time?
―Tshedi?‖
―Ledi, are you okay?
―I‘m fine, why are you still up?‖ I ask
―You didn‘t call to say what happened after you left, I‘m worried,‖ she says
I should have at least sent her an SMS but I was in such a daze I forgot.
―How‘s Ntate, how mad is he?‖ I ask.
She sighs.
―As mad as you expect him to be. Those people just stood up and left. I
thought they needed a place to sleep. That old witch was the first to walk
out the door, after we fed her and her brat son,‖ she says
She didn‘t like those people the moment they walked through our door.
―Should I come home? Maybe it will make things better with dad, maybe we
can talk and he‘ll forgive me,‖
I hope so.
―Yes maybe. Where‘s the boyfriend?‖ she asks.
144
―I left him at the guest-house. I can‘t stand him right now, he put me in this
situation,‖
I‘m not as angry as I was when I left him there but he put me in this situation.
―You‘re 29-years-old, you‘ll know what to do, SMS me if you end up here so
I can open for you,‖ she says and hangs up.
I‘m going home to my dad. I have to apologise and make things right with him.
It will take me another hour or two to drive back home.
Whatever chance there was of our relationship going further is gone. My
father will never like or accept Qhawe, I know that for sure. There is nothing
he can do to fix this, but me, I can still fix things with my dad, he‘ll forgive
me, he loves me.
Now I have to choose between my dad‘s love and his love, it looks like I can
have only one. My dad has always and will always love me, no matter how bad
I turn out. Also, I‘ve never been loved by a man as much as Qhawe has loved
me in one month.
But the fact is, he is bad news, a distraction and loose cannon. I see a lot of
things with him but I don‘t see calmness, I don‘t see peace. We‘re always
fighting about something, there‘s always drama around us and we both
can‘t hold back, that‘s the problem, we speak our minds to each other. He‘s
probably the only person in this world that I can tell how and what I feel at
that exact moment.
I‘ve smoked five cigarettes already. I don‘t know why because it‘s not calming
me down or helping me think.
I drive past a group of drunk men on the dark road. It‘s after 3am. They
stop and watch the car. I assume they‘re coming from some party in the
neighbourhood.
The lights are still on at home. I can see that all the way from here because the
house is on a steep hill. Tshedi must have gone to sleep by now but left the
lights on so I won‘t have to walk into a dark house.
Qhawe always laughs about that. He always says I should carry a torch in my
handbag so that I walk in with it already lit. When we go somewhere and come
145
back after dark, he makes me stand outside while he goes inside and
switches the lights on.
He jokes about everything and he almost always has a comment ready. Last
week when he was at my house we went out to Tiffany‘s for dinner. I ordered
salad because you know, sometimes I have a problem with that eating soulfood in public thing.
He looked a bit confused because I had complained about being hungry.
I joked that I didn‘t want meat going straight to my hips and thighs.
“Those hips and thighs are mine, all of them, and I love them
just the way they are,‖ he said before changing my order to steak and
vegetables.
He‘s something else.
There is his Maserati there on the yard. I‘ve forgotten what my 1-Series felt
like.
The gate is not locked. I remember how it felt when I walked out of here just
hours ago with Qhawe‘s arm around my waist, I felt weak, like I was going
to fall, but I kept walking because I knew he‘d never let me fall, his arm
around me was all the strength and protection I needed.
I trust him. I trust that he loves me and that he‘ll protect me. I feel like I‘m a
top priority to him, like he cares about every single bit of me. The way he
holds my hand in public, it‘s like he‘s always trying to show-off that I‘m his.
He says I‘m beautiful, he says it all the time and he‘s quick to notice when I‘ve
changed something, like hair or nails. He listens to my stories about work and
he eats my not-so-nice food.
I feel like we have a soul connection, like we can‘t live without each other, like
we are friends more that we are lovers.
It‘s rare that you find a man who makes you laugh and makes you come.
Wait….where am I going? No!
These drunkards are still on the road. I wonder where they‘re walking
to, home or to drink more somewhere.
146
We took 20 minutes coming here earlier but I think it took me ten this time.
The door is not locked. Only one side lamp is on.
I sit on the edge of the bed. He‘s fully dressed. He‘s lying on his stomach.
I think he‘s fast asleep, I can‘t see his face because he‘s facing the wall.
I‘m just going to sneak under the blanket and….
―You came back?‖ he asks.
Whoah! He‘s awake!
I stutter…..
―Why?‖ he asks.
He still hasn‘t turned to face
me. ―I came back…..‖
―Why?‖ he asks again.
―I want to be here, with you,‖ I
say Silence.
I remember what I said just before I left, it was anger talking. I didn‘t mean
any of those things.
He turns his head, finally. He didn‘t sleep at all, his eyes are clear,
they‘re always red for a few minutes after he wakes up.
He looks me in the eye until I can‘t handle it anymore and look away.
―I want to be here Chawe, I want to be with you,‖ I say looking at my fingers.
Now I don‘t know why I left in the first place.
―Why?‖ he asks. He‘s angry, but he‘s trying to control himself.
I raise my eyes.
147
―Because I love you,‖
He‘s still looking at me. He doesn‘t say anything but gets up and walks to
the bathroom.
He finds me still sitting where he left me when he comes back. He pulls a
chair and comes to sit in front of me.
I feel a bit uneasy. The look on his face makes me feel uncomfortable. He has
his hands on his cheeks. He does that when he gets serious, puts his hands
on his cheeks and his elbows on his thighs. He‘s looking down at his feet.
―Were you smoking in my car?‖ he asks.
Oh that! I should have gone straight to the shower when I arrived.
―I just…..‖
―You said you‘d stopped,‖ he says
―It was just this once, I was….‖
―So you lied?‖ he asks.
Really? Is he really going to make smoking a big deal? We have
bigger problems.
―When you asked me what I wanted from this relationship, do you
remember what I said?‖ he asks.
I wish he would raise his eyes and look at me.
―You said you needed me to stand by you through it all, that you wanted
loyalty,‖ I say.
―And I promised you that,‖ I say.
Oh, I promised him that…..
―Yes you did, and now, the first time we‘re in shit together you walk out the
door and tell me I‘m a brainless child who is suffocating you. You walk out
Naledi? Do you call that standing by me……?‖
148
That‘s not what I said….
―Chawe please look at me….‖
―Trust me, you don‘t want me to look at you now…‖ he snaps
What does he mean by that?
―I was just angry. I didn‘t mean all that……‖
He raises his eyes and I feel everything inside me shrinking.
―I‘m sorry Chawe….‖ I say, very quickly.
I don‘t know this face, it‘s different, I‘ve never met this him.
―Naledi listen to me, and listen carefully because we are never going to
have this conversation again……‖
I want to run out of here.
―You do not speak to me like you did tonight. I don‘t care how angry you are,
you do not raise your voice and you do not fucking talk to me like that! Do you
hear me?‖
I nod.
―We‘re past the petty fights and little tantrums stage, and I need you to tell
me now, right here if you‘re going to be able to respect me as your man,‖ he
says.
He‘s really scary now.
I nod. I don‘t know which point I‘m nodding to but I nod.
―I‘m sorry,‖ I say.
My apologies don‘t seem to be making any difference.
―I said to you I‘m going to fix this, why don‘t you believe me when I tell
you that?‖ he asks.
I‘m still playing with my fingers. I can‘t stand up to him when he‘s like this