Alicia knocked back another shot, and giggled when a grain of salt lodged itself in her esophagus.

“Fee, fie, foe, fum… Damn, I forgot what comes next. Stupid tequila.” Alicia snickered, and the snickers turned into full-blown laughter. The laughter morphed into tears, and sobs echoed through her bathroom.

Shots in the bathtub might not have been the best idea on a Friday night, the week before school started. Johnny still handn’t come home- he was still out with Dex, who was trying to get Blair back.

And Dianne. Stupid Dianne. Why did she have to be so cunning, and so damn pretty? Alicia didn’t understand- the sexy ones were always the worst. Alicia pittied Blair- pregnant by her boss, dating her OB-GYN, and still single.

There was one thing Alicia was glad of- she could still do shots and eat seafood, and Blair couldn’t. Suck it, Blair.

Twenty-nine. Unmarried. And drinking tequila like a fish out of water. Her mother would have greatly disapproved of Alicia’s new lifestyle. A stable job couldn’t even fix her already broken relationship with her father. Caltech, graduating cum laude… Calculus-lover. Her dad couldn’t even solve a limit, much less go to Caltech. Texas boy.

Alicia’s thoughts swirled brazenly through her head, ranging from explicit to the most demure. Fuck Johnny. Both Johnny and Dex could go get fucked. But that was just the tequila talking.

Dianne. What to do with Dianne. Alicia had done some hardcore Googling earlier that day, and had found nothing. How someone so evil had managed to cover up her tracks so thoroughly had astonished Alicia. No Facebook, Twitter, Instagram. Bank statements not online, hidden by encrypted passcodes only a genius could crack. Dianne had no weaknesses. Except for…

Alicia sat up, sloshing tequila down her naked front. That was it. How to get rid of Dianne.

She shakily stood up, and wrapped a towel around herself. Grabbing her phone, she dialed Blair’s number with shaky fingers.

“Blair? It’s Leesh. I know how to get rid of Dianne.”

************************************************************

Johnny licked his lips, and looked at the half-naked girl in front of him. Dex had dragged him to a strip club, and had paid full price for a private show. Worth it? Maybe. Johnny’s thoughts were elsewhere. Concerning Alicia and a can of whipped cream. But he knew he was in the doghouse with Alicia, and couldn’t get her to take off her shirt, much less her entire wardrobe.

The lights powered down, and the strippers, aptly named Diamond and Kandy, placed chaste kisses on the boys’ lips before sauntering out of the curtained room.

Dex sloppily stood up, and weaved around the room in a tilted circle. “Whaddam I gonna do about… Blay? Blay-Blay loves me, and I..love her. I think.” His words were so heavily slurred, and Johnny heard every other word.

“Well, you dickhead, you should…kind of… apologize. Thassa good idea, doncha thinkkkk?”Johnny was also slurring.

“I love her, man. Love her. LOTS! But I can’t do anything, until frickin’ Dianne gets her ass outta here…” Dex smiled, and looked lovingly into Johnny’s eyes. “Didja know I love you too? Like, a lot. Whole lotta loveeeeee!”

“I love you too, but I like chicks, not dicks.”

“Well, shit. We should all get together and have a foursome.”

“No offence man, as much as I respect your sexual prowessessess… I don’t wanna see your disco stick, as Lady Gaga so aptly called it.”

“Meh. I’ve seen yours. Mine so wins.”

Johnny sighed, and dragged Dex up. “Come on. Let’s head home. Your place is down the street, right?”

Dex giggled, and burped. “Yep. Sure is, buddy boy. I have a new nickname for you.”

“Really? What is it?”

“Ready? It’s… WALLY! Cuz you hate Walmart so damn much. I love that shit. It’s da bahm.”

Johnny just stared at him. “Do you mean the bomb?”

“Nope. You gotta say it like dah bahm! Like youre in Chi-cah-goh!”

“Bedtime!” On the way out, Johnny nodded in thanks to the strippers, posed seductively on the tables. “Ladies…thanks. Well done.”

One of the strippers purred like a cat, and smiled in response. “Thanks, boys. Have a nice night.”

******************************************************

Sunlight poured in through the window. Alicia groaned, and moaned in agony.

“God hates me. He does. If He likes me, it would be cloudy and gloomy. But it ain’t. Thanks, Big Man.”

A groan stirred next to her, and a rumpled-looking Johnny sat up, clutching his bedhead. “Holy shit. What did I drink? It was great last last night. But not so great coming back up.” He clutched his mouth, and ran to the en suite bathroom.

Alicia sat there, and listened for the tell-tale sounds of puking. When none came, she slowly got up and padded to the bathroom.

Johnny was there, bent over the toilet, vomiting. But he didn’t make a sound.

“Ommigod. You can puke silently? I commend you on your silent puking skills.”

“Thanks. Cuz I totally pride myself on my silent puking. I deserve a fucking medal.” Johnny groaned, and bent back over the toilet.

Alicia kneeled next to him, and rubbed his back as he vomited. “It’s all right, love. I get it.”

Johnny sat up, and looked at his fiance. “You know I love you, right? I won’t leave you, or hurt you, or do anything horrible. I love you too much. So much…” And he burst into tears, and fell into Alicia’s waiting arms.

Alicia sighed, and gently circled her thumb on his shoulder blade. “I know. I know. I love you too.”