???

Killian blinked a few times, almost as if he couldn’t believe his ears.
But he realised that I wasn’t joking and his face slowy hardened, his jaw tightening. He opened his mouth and I stiffened, anxiously waiting to hear his answer, but he pursed his lips and shifted his gaze to the side.

At that very moment, I felt like my heart had stopped. Even if it was theoretically impossible, it was the only way I could describe the quenching, yet, hollow feeling inside my chest. A few seconds later, I could feel my heart beating again. But now, it was pounding inside me to the point where it hurt, everything around me warbling as if I was drowning.

The silence was enough to give me an answer to my question and I felt a cold chuckle escape my dry throat, feeling stupid for actually having hope. My cheeks involuntarily flushed hot and my stomach was heavy, embarassed for having asked such a ridiculous question.

Killian and I were two completely different people. We had different ways of perceiving the world, different values and morals, a completely incompatible way of living.

But for some reason, my body and mind refused to give up. Maybe it was the alcohol that caused me to function in an incomprehensible way, maybe it was the drug that suddenly gave me the boost of courage that I never had, but I stood up on my tiptoes, wrapping my arms around his thick neck and leaning against his broad chest.

Killian narrowed his eyes but he didn’t push me away. “Jones-”

I stopped his lips with mine, my body shrilling with both fear and excitement. Wait, was this considered sexual assault? Was I harassing someone for having kissed them without their consent?

I squeezed my eyes shut and felt Killian gently pull away, his chuckle making me open my eyes again.

“You’re supposed to move your lips, silly,” he whispered huskily, which made me realise that all I was doing was pushing my lips against his as if I were kissing a wall. He wrapped his arms around my thin waist, locking his hands behind my back as he lowered his head to my height, our lips meeting once more. He opened my mouth with his, venturing inside me with his tongue. My eyes widened at the new feeling, having absolutely no idea what I was doing with my mouth, but Killian guided me with his tongue and swirled it around mine.

Within seconds, my entire being was consumed by his scent, his touch, his taste, his presence, his everything. The warmth of his kisses spread to my entire body, sparking a tingling sensation inside of me and making my lower member throb even more.

My knees started to buckle, clutching onto him for support. I could feel his hands explore down my spine, reaching my butt and giving it a tight squeeze.

A groan escaped my lips and I pulled away, shocked that I made such a sexual noise. I gulped, trying to catch my breath while leaning my forehead against his chest. What was going on? I thought that Killian didn’t like me in that way so why…

“Do you want to do it?” he asked, breaking the sudden silence.

It?

Killian must have noticed the confusion written on my face while I tried to decrypt the vast meaning behind the word “it”, and let out a small chuckle.

“I uh, never mind,” he quickly said, gently pulling away. “I spoke without thinking, it’s just a habit-”

My eyes widened. “Sex?” I blurted bluntly, making him stiffen. “Are you asking me if I want to have sex with you?”

Killian shifted his eyes to the side, his cheeks slightly pink as if he was embarrassed to hear the real word.

“I was just joking,” he chuckled dryly.

I pursed my swollen lips, tightening my grip around his shirt as I felt my briefs get tighter and tighter. I squeezed my eyes shut, mentally scolding myself for being so desperate and naïve.

But I wanted him.

Whether it was just primal desire, the effects of the drug, or because I really liked him, or all three combined, I wanted him.

“Yes, I do,” I whispered. Killian blinked a few times before laughing.

“The drugs and alcohol must have really gone to your head Jones.”

“It’s not because of the drugs!” I said hastily. “I-I-I mean, it kind of is but not completely,” I stuttered, not even understanding what I was trying to say myself. “I-” I froze. Even the alcohol and drug weren’t enough for me to have enough courage and confess my feelings, not after it was clear that he didn’t have any for me.

And so I lied. “I just want to try something new,” I grumbled hoarsely, feeling pathetic and guilty deep down. “You said that I always played by the rules and that I never stepped out of my comfort zone. Well here I am,” I said, taking a step closer towards him with a determined look on my face. “Stepping out of my comfort zone.”

Killian tilted his head back and let out a groan. “You’re not really helping me by acting so cute.”

He pursed his lips before letting out a heavy sigh, his eyes still focused on the ceiling above, but I could tell that he was slowly giving in. “You’re going to regret it.”

“Y.O.L.O, right?” I chuckled bitterly.

Killian was silent for a few seconds as if to be deep in thought.

“I’m not going to be gentle with you,” he added.

Killian lowered his gaze to mine, his soft green eyes now replaced with a predatory look that made me gulp. He carried a dangerous atmosphere around him, and it complete honesty, it scared me. But more than fright, I was intrigued, almost… Excited.

“Are you still willing to do it?” he asked one last time.

His last warning made me hesitant, and just the way he was looking at me was starting to make me doubt my decision, but I pushed away my worries and morals.

I only live once.

“I am,” I said firmly, boldly looking into his eyes.

My heart started to beat rapidly against my chest as he slowly leaned in. I parted my lips, waiting for his, but froze as he rested his head on my shoulder.

“I can’t,” he grumbled, sounding frustrated. “Not like this.”

“What do you mean?”

“Jones, you’ve been drugged and not to mention, you’re completely drunk, I can’t take advantage of you. Besides, you’re still a-” he didn’t finish his sentence, pulling away and turning around so that I couldn’t see the expression on his face. “I’m sorry, I just can’t. Come outside when you’re done, I’ll wait for you.”

He left me before I could say anything, leaving me completely petrified as the room fell silent.

???

The ride home was quiet and awkward, the both of drowned in our own thoughts. Killian told me that if I wasn’t feeling good, he could stop the car so that I could step out and take some fresh air, and it complete honestly, I felt the urge to puke but was constantly holding it back. All I wanted to do was get home as fast I could, so I kept my mouth tightly shut and my clammy hands squeezed ad I clutched my waist. My head was turned towards the window, too embarrassed to look his way.

I was drunk, drugged, confused, embarrassed, heartbroken and just a complete mess. Never again would I go to a party, I swore to myself, never again.

We finally arrived at my house and Killian parked right in front. He opened his door and I quickly straightened my back.

“I-I-It’s fine, you don’t need to get out,” I stuttered. He hesitated at first but didn’t push it, closing the door back shut and putting his seatbelt back on while I undid mine.

“Are you going to be okay?” he asked. My parents were definitely going to kill me but I forced a smile, eyes focusing on everything else but his while giving him a small nod. But I was a terrible liar and as transparent as glass, it wouldn’t surprise me if Killian wasn’t convinced. “If you don’t feel good, give me a call, okay?” He paused, raking a hand through his hair. “Right, I forgot that you can’t call,” he grumbled. “At least send me a text if you need anything.”

“I will,” I lied thickly, quickly opening the door and stumbling out of his car. My lower member still throbbed from earlier, especially after he- I mentally shook my head, pushing away the vivid memory and clearing my voice. “T-T-Thanks for the ride.”

“Yeah,” murmured Killian in a small voice as I closed the door. But before I turned around, he called my name. “Jones,” he said in his husky voice. “About what happened earlier,” my eyes widened in embarrassment. “I know that it was what you consumed that made you like that, so don’t worry about it.”

I focused on the pavement below, hoping that the darkness of the sky would hide my red face.

Everything I said and did wasn’t because of the alcohol and drugs. They only amplified the feelings that I already had for him, and for Killian to push that away and say that my actions weren’t genuine… It hurt me. I could feel my tears well-up in my eyes, but I sunk my nails into my palms and forced a smile, finally looking up towards Killian only because my vision was blurry.

“Thanks for understanding,” I said, speaking in as steady of a voice as a could. “You’re right, I wasn’t myself, so could you do me a favor and forget about it? Let’s just pretend that nothing happened,” I bit my lower lip as my voice cracked, using all my willpower not to burst into tears. “Please.”

I didn’t know if Killian actually believed me or if he was just doing it for my sake. Or maybe for his own, who knows?

“Of course Jones,” he promised.

“Then I’ll see you whenever you come back to school!” I grinned cheerfully, giving him a wave before turning around and walking towards my house. The second I turned my head, my smile fell into a quivering frown. I could hear his jeep drive away and put my hand over my mouth as I staggered forward, letting out a muffled whimper, tears streaking down my face.

???