Warning – sensitive topics are discussed in this chapter.

The Alchemist was a small bar located in the middle of Chester. I got out of the taxi after handing over a few notes and shivered when the cold air hit me. In my haste I had forgotten to grab a coat so I was only in my thin hoodie and a pair of grey tracksuit bottoms. I looked down at my phone and quickly texted Jared.

I’m here.

I walked towards the bar and looked through the windows. I couldn’t make out much, just a few people sitting near the bar. It looked a lot warmer in there than it was out here with the soft golden lights.

“Can I help you Miss?”

I jumped and turned to see a bouncer eyeing me suspiciously. I could imagine how dodgy I was coming across with my dishevelled appearance and baby face.

“I’ll need to see some ID if you want to come in.”

The woman held her hand out expectantly.

“No, I don’t want to come in,” I shook my head quickly, “I’m here to meet a friend, he’s actually inside and he told me to meet him here.” I faltered slightly as I considered the fact that perhaps Jared had already left.

“No ID, no entry.” She said, her voice strong with finality.

“I know, I know. I just said I don’t want to come in.” I attempted to reassure her. I wondered how Jared had gotten past this woman without an ID. I remembered how easily he had gotten served when we went for a meal with his parents and how he often got mistaken for looking older than he actually was. Must be something to do with his stupid sharp jawline.

I backed away from the bar and looked down at my phone once again. Jared still hadn’t text me back. I huffed angrily, if I had come all this way for nothing I would feel like such an idiot.

The door of The Alchemist banged open and the bouncers attention was quickly diverted from me to the source of the noise.

Jared was stumbling out of the bar with a bouncer following closely behind him. He looked smart in a black shirt and blazer, however his hair was dishevelled and his face looked pale. He faltered slightly against the wall, his eyes pinching shut as it looked like he was trying not to throw up.

“Oh fuck me.” I cursed under my breath.

I already knew it was a mistake to come here.

“I think you’ve had a bit too much mate.” the male bouncer said solemnly.  He was standing in front of the door anxiously, as if he expected Jared to dart back in when he wasn’t looking.

“I told you, I’m already going, I was just waiting for someone.” Jared replied defiantly.

“You’re with this girl?” The female bouncer frowned, her finger pointing in my direction.

I froze as they all turned to look at me. I slipped my phone back in my pocket and awkwardly waved.

“Jade, you came.” Jared said dumbly.

“Well…yeah,” I shrugged, “I’m starting to regret my decision though.” I mumbled under my breath.

Jared stepped away from the wall and walked over to me. He stared at me anxiously, his fingers fumbling with the golden chain he always wore.

I swallowed hard and tried to ignore how nervous I was feeling. I didn’t have a clue what I was doing here, especially after how he had treated me earlier today.

His green eyes continued to search my own, his vision glazed over slightly due to his intoxication. His expression dropped suddenly, his lips pouting in sadness. He jolted forward so suddenly that I jumped before his arms wrapped around me. He pulled me towards him in a messy embrace. My face was squashed against his chest as he pulled me impossibly close, his face buried in my hair. He smelled like cigarettes and whiskey, however a hint of his sharp aftershave remained.

“I can’t believe you came for me.” he said hoarsely.

“I…” I huffed against his warm chest as I tried to understand my own actions, “I couldn’t just leave you.”

“You’re shivering.” Jared noticed, his hands running up my arms. “Come on, my parents are staying in a hotel down the road, I’ve got my own room.” I started to shake my head and he rushed to add, “We can just sit outside, I don’t expect you to come in don’t worry.”

I nodded, “Could you not have called your parents to come and get you?”

Jared rubbed his eyes and shook his head, “It’s complicated.”

“I’m starting to think everything is complicated with you.” I mumbled under my breath.

Jared wordlessly took off his blazer and wrapped it around my shoulders before he grabbed my hand and led me down the road. I stared down at our entwined hands and he seemed to notice.

“Is this ok?” He questioned hesitantly, his thumb brushing along the back of my hand.

“I don’t know.” I answered honestly, “This is all a bit confusing.”

Jared nodded and reluctantly let go of my hand. I crossed my arms and tried to ignore the pit in my stomach. I had so many questions and I didn’t know which one to ask first, I didn’t even know if I wanted to ask Jared anything.

We walked down the road for another ten minutes, Jared sneaking glances at me whenever he could. We made it to a hotel, a large and looming building with a large sign that read ‘The Grosvenor’. The doorman eyed us suspiciously as Jared pulled me to sit on a bench opposite the hotel.

“Looks fancy.” I said, motioning to the hotel.

“Only the best for the Feltons.” Jared responded bitterly.

I rubbed my eyes and tried not to think about how tired I would be the next day, I had maths first lesson too which only made it worse. I tried not to think about what would happen if my parents were to wake up and realise I wasn’t in bed, my life wouldn’t be worth living.

The bench was cold against the thin fabric of joggers and I shivered into Jared’s blazer. I pulled it tighter against my body and tried to ignore how good it smelt.

We sat in silence but the air was thick with tension. It seemed neither of us knew what to say.

“Why am I here Jared?” I finally asked.

Jared sighed and rested his head in his hands.

“This is so fucked up,” he hissed against his hands, “I’m so sorry Jade.”

“What the hells going on Jared?” I snapped tiredly, “I really hope you didn’t drag me here in the middle of the night just to freeze my arse off on a bench with you.”

“I just feel…” Jared trailed off as he looked up at the dark sky, “I don’t even know.” his voice broke slightly.

“Is this because of that woman? Nicole?” I guessed.

Jared pursed his lips before he nodded.

“Do you love her? Is that what this is?” I questioned desperately. I swallowed hard at the thought of Jared being in love with that beautiful woman.

“No,” he denied venomously, “She ruined our lives.”

“What do you mean?” I pressed, “Can you please stop speaking in riddles and just tell me what’s going on? I’m tired, I’m cold and I’m beyond confused.” I ran my hand over my eyes.

This boy exhausted me.

Jared ran his hands through his hair before he fumbled in his pockets. He lit a cigarette with shaking hands. I watched as he exhaled the smoke, his eyes fluttering closed as he enjoyed the poison.

“I’ve never told anyone this.” Jared confessed.

I sighed and hesitantly reached for his hand. As annoyed as I was I could tell he was struggling. I realised anger might not be the best way to approach this situation…whatever this situation was.

Jared looked at me in surprise. He threw his lit cigarette to the ground so he could clutch my cheeks with both hands. His lips found mine, his kiss was almost bruisingly hard. Before I could do anything he had pulled away but his hands still gripped my face.

“Why are you like this?” He questioned wildly.

“Huh?” I responded dizzily.

“So… So…” He growed in frustration as he failed to explain, “You’re like fucking sunshine.” He let out a short laugh before his face grew dark, “I don’t deserve you.”

“Jared, I’m here whether you deserve me or not.” I told him truthfully, “but I can’t keep doing this. If I’m with you, I need to know what’s going on.”

Jared nodded as he brushed the hair out of my face lovingly. He pressed a kiss to my lips, this time it was gentle. He tasted like smoke but I didn’t pull away.

“OK, OK.” he nodded and I was surprised that there were tears in his eyes. He sniffed slightly and shakily reached for another cigarette. “Sorry, it calms me down.” he said sheepishly when he saw me looking.

“Hey, it’s OK.” I promised and reached over to hold his hand once again. “Just start from the beginning.”

“Nicole was my music teacher, back at my old school,” Jared told me after a moment, “I was fifteen and the moment I saw her, Jesus I had such a crush. She was young and gorgeous, and when she sang, it was beautiful. Me and my friends used to joke around, you know, saying what we would give to be with her, to go on a date.” Jared shook his head and took another drag of his cigarette, “Anway it was parents evening and my parents were in some business meeting, as usual you know. So they sent Jacob.”

He laughed slightly and looked at me, “Now if you think I’m good looking, you should see my brother. He had all the girls after him, and he knew it too. They were drawn to him like a moth to a flame, and Nicole was no different. You should have seen how pissed I was, watching him flirt with her, but I was just a kid, and I was stupid.”

“They got together and she would always come round to our house. Our parents hated her, but they hated everyone. If anything it just made me and Jacob like her more,” he smiled boyishly at me and I squeezed his hand, “Their relationship was like the stuff from films. They loved each other, they really fucking loved each other, but then Jacob lost interest.”

His gaze turned sharp and he inhaled his next drag deeply, “My brother wasn’t a bad guy, he was the best. But he liked the women, he was never a dick about it either. He would always break up with them and be respectable, but with Nicole it was different. She got really upset, started screaming about how Jacob never loved her and that her life was ruined. The next day I stayed after class to talk to her and make sure she was OK…”

Jared stopped, his gaze fixed on the street ahead of him. His knuckles were clenched, the skin white.

“Jared?” I whispered, concerned by his unresponsiveness. “Jared, it’s ok, I’m here.”

I pulled at his shoulder and drew him into my body. He was freezing but he wasn’t shivering. His fingers wrapped around my elbow as I stroked his soft hair. I pressed kisses to his temple as I felt his accelerated heartbeat.

“She kissed me. She kissed me so hard I felt like my heart was gonna burst. When she stopped I was so confused, I didn’t know why she was doing it because I was Jacob’s brother and she was my teacher for fucks sake. When I told her I thought she should stop she didn’t listen, she just said she knew how much I wanted her, that she had seen the way I looked at her,” he swallowed hard and I squeezed him, “She started touching me, started feeling my dick and telling me how much she wanted me, how she wanted me to make her forget all about Jacob…”

“I’d kissed girls before, messed around at a few parties but this –  It was different and wrong. I wanted to tell someone but I couldn’t, I was too scared of what Jacob would do if he found out.” Jared was crying now, his body wracked with sons, “You know, he was my brother, for fucks sake. I didn’t want him to think I wanted it, I didn’t want to hurt him because I knew he still loved her.”

“They got back together a few weeks later but it was different. Nicole kept looking at me and I knew what she was thinking. One night we had all had a few drinks, Jacob always let me drink when our parents were working in the office. I had gone into the kitchen to get another beer and then she was just on me. She was touching and grabbing at me, telling me how hot it would be to fuck while Jacob was in the next room, how I was her dirty little secret,”

“He came out of nowhere. He punched me, he punched me so many times I thought I was going to die. Nicole was screaming, calling me a pervert and saying I was drunk. Jacob was acting like he was possessed, he just wanted to hurt me, as much as I had hurt him.”

I was gripping Jared’s hand so tight I was sure I was causing him pain. Tears welled in my eyes as I imagined his brother brutally beating him. Hot searing anger rippled through me as a tear ran down my cheek. I couldn’t believe how wrong Jacob had been about his brother; a boy who had done nothing wrong, a boy who was being subjected to abuse from an adult.

“My Dad came downstairs, he had been working from home in the office upstairs, he shoved Jacob off me. I was crying and trying to talk to Jacob but I wasn’t making any sense and he didn’t want to listen. My Dad was screaming at Jacob, asking him what the hell he was thinking. Nicole just stood there, she just stood there. My Dad told him to leave and Jacob grabbed his car keys and took off…” Jared’s eyes pinched shut as he took a deep breath, “He got into an accident…drove straight into a tree. He died almost instantly.”

“Oh Jared,” I said shakily.

I closed my eyes and squeezed him. His body wracked with sobs as I pressed a kiss to his temple, my own tears falling onto his skin.

“Oh Jared, I’m sorry. I’m so sorry”

“It’s all my fault,” He whispered, “All my fault. It’s my fault Jacob died, it’s my fault my parents lost their son. They couldn’t stay in our old house, too many memories. That’s why we came here. My Dad hasn’t been able to look at me since that night, he feels like he chose me over Jacob and then the accident happened, he’s worried Jacob never knew how much he loved him.”

I shook my head fiercely, “None of this is your fault.” When he failed to look at me I gently placed my hand under his chin before running my hand along his wet cheekbone, “It’s not your fault.” I promised. “You were just a kid Jared, none of this was your fault at all.”

He clutched at my hoodie, pressing his face into the thin material.

“It’s messed me up Jade,” He whispered sadly, “I can’t sleep and I get panic attacks regularly. I tried to forget, tried to be with girls but it just made me feel dirty and ashamed.” He shivered at the memories before he locked eyes with you once again, “I couldn’t believe it when I got to know you though, all I could think about was how much I want to kiss you, be with you. I never thought I would feel that way again,” He laughed harshly, “But I still treat you like shit, I push you away, I push everyone away.”

I didn’t know what to say, I was touched by what he had said but his last statement was true. He did push me away, every time I got close he would hold me at arms length, and as much as I cared about him, it wasn’t my job to fix him. He was still haunted by his past trauma and that was something he needed to face, not alone, but he needed to be the one who made the decision to help himself.

“Have you ever thought about seeing someone?” I asked gently. “Talking to a professional could really-”

“No, no.” Jared shook his head vehemently, “I can’t tell anyone, they’ll see how disgusting I am.”

“Jared, you are not disgusting at all,” I promised, tears burning my eyes, “You’re in pain and it’s ok to need help, everyone needs help sometimes.”

“No one can help me,” Jared responded, his expression heartbroken, “This pain, it’s what I deserve.”